Jokes & Funnies

[Nice65]

By utter coincidence it is also the name of the entertaining new song by K*** and the Gang, who sang Fuck the Tories for us at Christmas.

 

[Andylaser]

 

[Beachlover]

 

[Beachlover]

 

[BorderReiver]

I don't think any of the current crop of Toraidhe are fit to be PM.
A majority of them have no business being a MP, to be honest (with which they appear to struggle).

In the words of the late Jeremy Hardy, "The average Tory MP has trouble mastering the spoon".

 

[BorderReiver]

 

[BorderReiver]

 

[Beachlover]

 

[Andylaser]

 

[Andylaser]

 

[CaptainBeaky]

:LOL:
I have the last two performances of our production of Aladdin today (playing in the band) - I have therefore shamelessly stolen this to send to the cast and crew!

 

[Saint-Just]

 

[Saint-Just]

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

 

[BorderReiver]

Our six-year-old handed us a note. His teacher had called my wife and I in for an emergency meeting. We asked our son if he had any idea why
and he said, "She didn't like a drawing I did."
We went in the next day.
His teacher pulled the drawing below out and said, "I asked him to draw his familv and he drew this. Would vou mind explaining?"
"Not at all." my wife said. "Family vacation. Snorkelling off the Bahamas.

 

[BorderReiver]

 

[BorderReiver]

 

[BorderReiver]

 

[Saint-Just]

A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband"

"Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you."

Husband: "Who is Valerie?"

Wife: "Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text."

Husband: "But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?"

Wife: "What? Where are you?"

Husband: "Near the bakery."

Wife: "Wait, I’m coming right now!"

After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:

Wife: "I’m at the bakery, where are you?"

Husband: "I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , you can buy the bread."

 

[BorderReiver]

 

[MaC]

The first time I heard a man call a sewing machine a 'thread injection device' my eyes rolled me dizzy.

 

[Andylaser]

 

[Woody Girl]

My neighbour said he was going to put manure on his strawberries this year....I told him I usualy put clotted cream on mine.

 

[Juttle]

Your coat’s over by the door!

 

[Beachlover]

 

[Beachlover]

Right, time to give this 'Dry January' a go.