Jokes & Funnies

[Templogin]

Underfunded police to start removing protesters using Photoshop

The Metropolitan police have announced today that due to a lack of funding and available front-line staff, they will no longer be removing protesters by force, and will instead remove them using Ph…

newsthump.com

 

[Oldtimer]

A day late?

 

[BorderReiver]

A day late?

No, standard News Thump post.

 

[Beachlover]

 

[Slowly]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"!
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
First - The bartender is a blonde girl.
Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Third - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter, and
Fifth - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell a Blonde joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[Saint-Just]

 

[Beachlover]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"!
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
First - The bartender is a blonde girl.
Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Third - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter, and
Fifth - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell a Blonde joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Welcome to the campfire (asylum), pull-up a log (unstrap your straight-jacket), pop a can (tip your meds down the sink) and feel free to introduce yourself to the members (patients).

Edited within parentheses in the interest of honesty and transparency.

 

[Beachlover]

 

[BorderReiver]

 

[BorderReiver]

 

[5teep]

 

[BorderReiver]

 

[Beachlover]

 

[Saint-Just]

 

[5teep]

 

[Andylaser]

 

[BorderReiver]

 

[Slowly]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays.

 

[Slowly]

Two old ladies are sitting at a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp.

The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom and that you can buy it at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.

Sure enough, a few days later she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says “Young man, I would like to buy a condom please”. The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies “Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before… um. What size do you need?”

The old woman pauses, then replies “I need one that will fit a camel”.

 

[5teep]

 

[ElThomsono]

Two old ladies are sitting at a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp.

The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom and that you can buy it at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.

Sure enough, a few days later she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says “Young man, I would like to buy a condom please”. The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies “Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before… um. What size do you need?”

The old woman pauses, then replies “I need one that will fit a camel”.

I remember being told that one in school by Douglas Mearns, glad it's still doing the rounds.

 

[Saint-Just]

 

[Saint-Just]

 

[BorderReiver]

 

[CaptainBeaky]

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